Conflicts in a Relationship
Conflict is a common occurrence in relationships, regardless of whether you are dating, newlyweds, or have been married for many years. In fact, healthy conflicts can be a sign of a strong and healthy relationship. However, many of us avoid engaging in healthy conflict and instead insist on being right, leading to a rigid and inflexible approach that can harm our relationships. To maintain a stable and healthy relationship, it is important to avoid this type of black-and-white thinking.
How to Handle Conflicts in a Relationship
The first step in learning how to handle conflicts in a relationship is understanding what triggers us and our partner. Typically, conflict arises from three major areas: finances, sex, and raising children. When these topics come up, it is important to acknowledge that they have a history of causing conflict in the relationship and to approach the discussion with the intention of trying to see the other person’s perspective while presenting your own in a logical manner.
Don’t be Dismissive
When conflict arises, it is important not to avoid the temptation to dismiss our partner’s point of view. It can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking “I just know I’m right,” but this approach rarely leads to a satisfactory resolution. Instead, it’s important to make an effort to explain why we hold our position, and to actively listen when our partner offers a rebuttal. By repeating some of their statements back to them, we show that we have heard and understood their perspective. This can help to defuse tension and create an environment where both partners feel heard and respected.
Stay on Topic
It is important to stay on topic and focus on the immediate problem as much as possible. Avoid making blanket statements such as “You always do this” or using hurtful language. Refrain from name-calling or physical forms of intimidation as it can cause your partner to become defensive. Men, in particular, may not realize that their actions, such as slamming a hand on the table, can be intimidating to their partner.
Deal Breakers
There are certain deal breakers in conflicts that should not be ignored. Physical aggression towards your partner during an argument is never acceptable, especially when it becomes heated. If the argument is spiraling out of control, it is best to walk away for a cooling off period. Continuing the discussion when emotions are running high will only lead to further conflict and may not result in a resolution.
Ultimate Goal
The ultimate goal of any conflict in a relationship should be reconciliation with your partner. The problem must be resolved within a reasonable time frame, preferably within the same day. Allowing conflicts to fester can cause irreparable harm to the relationship and make it more difficult to resolve future conflicts. Be willing to apologize and show that you value the relationship over the issue at hand.
Further Recommended Reading
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
This book is a must-read for anyone looking to improve their relationships, whether it be with a romantic partner, family member, or friend. Chapman’s theory of the five love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch – is both simple and profound.
By understanding your own love language and that of your loved ones, you can better communicate and meet each other’s needs.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
As a renowned relationship expert, Gottman provides practical and research-based advice on how to build a lasting and fulfilling marriage. The principles outlined, such as cultivating emotional intelligence, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning, are backed by scientific evidence and practical exercises.
Couples at any stage of their relationship can benefit from this book, whether they are just starting out or have been together for decades.
The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh
In this insightful and practical guide, Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh provides advice on how to communicate with mindfulness and compassion. By becoming aware of our own thoughts and emotions, we can better understand and connect with others.
Hanh’s simple and profound teachings make this book a must-read for anyone looking to improve their communication skills and deepen their relationships.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
This book provides a fascinating look into the science of adult attachment, and how our attachment style impacts our relationships. The authors provide a clear and concise overview of the three attachment styles – secure, anxious, and avoidant – and offer practical advice for understanding and working with your own attachment style, as well as that of your partner.
This book is a must-read for anyone looking to improve their relationships and gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their loved ones.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Sue Johnson
Offering a practical and compassionate guide for couples looking to deepen their emotional connection and build a stronger relationship, Dr. Johnson’s approach is based on the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and she offers a variety of exercises and techniques for couples to work through together.
Whether you’re struggling with conflict, disconnection, or a lack of intimacy, this book can help you build a more fulfilling and loving relationship.
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