1 TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF
This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. Instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. Learn to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you. For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself. When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you will stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming your partner for your own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.2 KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE
Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly – with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We first need to treat ourselves this way, and then treat our partner and others this same way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating others with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than responding by reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change – you can only change yourself.3 LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING
When conflict occurs, you always have two choices on how to handle the conflict: you can either open up to learning about yourself and your partner to uncover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We’ve all familar with the many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want them to: anger, blame, judgment, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control will create even more conflict. Rather, remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship. For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other – and the fear of engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately retreat and protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if instead, you choose to learn about your fears instead of attempting to control your partner, your fear will eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually – by learning instead of controlling.4 CREATE DATE TIMES
When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, often after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, to play, to make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.5 GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS
Positive energy flows between two people when there is an “attitude of gratitude.” Constant complaints create a heavy, negative energy, which is not at all fun to be around. So practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well.6 FUN AND PLAY
We all know that “work without play makes Jack a dull boy.” Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is a lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.7 SERVICE
A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do community projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing things for others moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life. If you and your partner agree to these 7 ways to improve your relationship, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship!Further Recommended Reading
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
This book is a must-read for anyone looking to improve their relationships, whether it be with a romantic partner, family member, or friend. Chapman’s theory of the five love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch – is both simple and profound.
By understanding your own love language and that of your loved ones, you can better communicate and meet each other’s needs.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
As a renowned relationship expert, Gottman provides practical and research-based advice on how to build a lasting and fulfilling marriage. The principles outlined, such as cultivating emotional intelligence, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning, are backed by scientific evidence and practical exercises.
Couples at any stage of their relationship can benefit from this book, whether they are just starting out or have been together for decades.
The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh
In this insightful and practical guide, Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh provides advice on how to communicate with mindfulness and compassion. By becoming aware of our own thoughts and emotions, we can better understand and connect with others.
Hanh’s simple and profound teachings make this book a must-read for anyone looking to improve their communication skills and deepen their relationships.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
This book provides a fascinating look into the science of adult attachment, and how our attachment style impacts our relationships. The authors provide a clear and concise overview of the three attachment styles – secure, anxious, and avoidant – and offer practical advice for understanding and working with your own attachment style, as well as that of your partner.
This book is a must-read for anyone looking to improve their relationships and gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their loved ones.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Sue Johnson
Offering a practical and compassionate guide for couples looking to deepen their emotional connection and build a stronger relationship, Dr. Johnson’s approach is based on the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and she offers a variety of exercises and techniques for couples to work through together.
Whether you’re struggling with conflict, disconnection, or a lack of intimacy, this book can help you build a more fulfilling and loving relationship.
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